On this week’s episode, Mattie talks about American dream embodiment Timothy Dexter, and Austin discusses King Tut and his curse. One of us believes in the curse. Guess which one. We also, of course, bring up Macaulay Culkin and Jeff Goldblum.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to Will This Be On The Test. I’m Mattie.
And we are in a new podcast setup today. So we’ve had to restart three times
Three times. First the microphone was unplugged, then we didn’t actually start recording. And this time Well, we’re just talking about random nonsense.
Thankfully, I checked before we got more than a few seconds
that would have been embarrassing to record Empire podcast and just not actually record it.
I actually listened to podcasts where they’ve had that happen, and they were like, we had to redo it and I had to pretend to react to things that I’d already heard.
Really, yeah. Yeah.
So our new setup, I had been looking online for podcasting equipment and I kept seeing those like trifold barrier things that are soundproofing foam and then the plastic or metal outside and I realized I have a trifold science fair thing, and we have a a carton mattress pad. We’re going Rudolph I’m gonna make my own
so we made our own and you could see where the cats have already attacked it. And currently Draco is eyeballing it from my lap. Good boy Draco so
we’ll see if it sounds any better this week
my name where he is the cats are going to go after this thing while we’re recording
but we survived Thanksgiving and did not do Black Friday
so did not cancel there’s this thing called the plaza lighting ceremony where they have like they turn the lights on on Thanksgiving on the Country Club Plaza. We had a Saturday Night Live cast member there that was
so exciting. It was Heidi Gardner she’s from here and I love her She’s so funny. Actually overall it’s it’s a reasonably well orchestrated thing that got performers from around the area that come and it’s basically a big to do that ends with just flipping a switch but I really love Heidi Gardner I was so excited to see her. I was less excited when the person in front of me decided to hold their phone up to take pictures of her I had a perfect view and couldn’t even see her Through his phone.
Yeah, I had the person in front of me was holding up a tablet which, okay phones I can understand. But a tablet. Really,
it’s actually been really weird. My tolerance of people with their phones at events lately, we went to see potted Potter last night, which is this touring production where they do all seven Harry Potter books in seven minutes or 17 minutes. And there’s this. I won’t talk about what happened in the show. But at one point, it became abundantly obvious that this older woman a few rows ahead of us was just reading Facebook the entire time.
So why are you even going to this? Like she wasn’t even there with kids. It was her and her husband and like an adult. Other person.
Yeah, if you’re bored, and you’re like, I just need to look at my phone. Just leave them out in the lobby, just leave I know. And she was of an age where I’m sure she complains about them youths in the restaurants checking their phones and whatnot. And once there was no way she couldn’t know people could see her because of what happened in the show at that moment. She just leaned into it and stayed on her phone and even kind of held it up higher so everybody could really see her phone. Now, we are the age where we get blamed for that all the time. You know, those millennials put their phones down why they’re addicted to their phones. My phone was literally off and in my bag the whole time, same when I go to movies, but especially when you go to live theater, you know, the actors can see you, right?
Yeah, it’s like those phones. You’re in a dark theater. It lights up your face. So you basically have a big, I’m an asshole light on you that all of the actors can see.
I’m actually on the side of the actors who stopped the show and called them out. Yep. And that lunchtime that Lynn caught somebody filming in the front row and kept rapping but changed the lyrics to something along the lines of you in the first row. I can see you filming put your damn phone away. I was very proud of him at that moment.
We’re all Okay, can we got an episode about being proud of Lin Manuel Miranda, I get it. He’s wonderful. He’s amazing. I would leave Me for him, but he’s just too wonderful.
Okay, but we know the person that will be more likely to leave you for is Matthew from Downton Abbey?
Well, I mean, he is the heir to Downton
and the beast from eating the beast. He has his own castle ready. And he can saying like, come on. No,
it’s okay. If I leave here anybody would be for Lady Mary, because I have to get those cutting words in somehow
you believe me for Maggie Smith?
I would? I absolutely would.
Well, let’s get into it. Oh, and at the end of the podcast, you’ll get to hear us open our advent calendars. We’re recording this on December 1. We’ve been waiting for this for weeks. Yeah, one is the Harry Potter Funko Pops calendar
and the other is the Harry Potter Lego advent calendar.
To give you an idea. We already mentioned that we went to see potted Potter. We record from a Harry Potter office. We painted the whole thing we put shelves up that are held up by magic like we’re a little into it at the end of the episode. We’re going to open our first day of the advent calendars and I’ll post a picture on my Twitter later, just like I’ll post a picture of our lovely new podcast
area. It’s so lovely. It goes very well with our bespoke Harry Potter office.
You can’t see any of the office in the background. It’s trifled with a little bit taller than your average sound barrier thing.
Yeah. But it’s okay because we are a little bit louder than your average podcasters.
Okay, I’m going to pause for a second because my computer only printed one page of my notes, so please hold. We’re recording. We’re recording Yeah, the damn printer wouldn’t print the first couple of pages just the last two. So I’m going to be one of those damn millennials on their phones trying to do this which sucks because I like to kind of flip back and forth.
Here I am at a premium spot and a live podcast reporting cording and there’s someone right next to me on their damn phone.
I seriously hope that nobody’s who’s at these live theatrical productions are actively podcasting from them.
Okay, so I’ve got a new plan for next podcast, which record one from a live theatrical production.
See how long it takes us to get kicked out? I mean,
we are in the Midwest, so
people are too polite to kick out here.
Yeah, wake up late.
Alright, so we are a podcast because we didn’t say what we do earlier. Oh, if you’re here, I would assume you know, yeah, we talk about things we either didn’t learn in school or only learned part of or were taught the entirety of Justin correctly. And last week, Austin talked about the history of Thanksgiving, and I talked about the history of Black Friday. So I go first today, you get to go first today. I feel like we cover a lot of American history. But we agreed that we were going to try to find something a little light hearted this week. Yeah. And so I typed into Google funny things happen to history. And I came across this gentleman named Timothy Dexter.
I have never heard of Timothy Dexter,
which is interesting because he was a not peer, but CO and how A 10th of the world’s that the founding fathers lived in. And I don’t mean he was just some dude walking around existing at the same time.
So he’s not like Revolutionary War like Forrest Gump. He was like, Yeah, I was there to Jen a.
Well, Forrest actually did stuff in that. Yeah. But he kind of was the forrest gump of his time except for not charming or kind. Oh, but he definitely was a bit of a laugh is like a box of chocolates, but I’ma manipulate everything to get the ones that I want to get.
Oh, okay. He was that kind of.
Yeah, but he was also I’ll just get into
get into it. Go ahead.
I use stuff from the New England Historical Society price nomics, Wikipedia, and I think I might reference a couple others throughout this. So just so excited my sources like a good student, Timothy, Dexter was in many ways the personification of the American dream. His family had immigrated to United States in about 1650. They never made any money. So he was born about a century In 1747 in Malden, Massachusetts, his is a total rags to riches story that would be completely unbelievable if there wasn’t historical evidence. Now that said the historical evidence does jump around a little bit. People put things in different timelines. for him. There are only a few things that have definite dates attached. So you might have heard if you’ve heard his story at all things in a different order, but every resource I went to had them in a different order. So I kind of pieced them together the best I could. He was actually a really important entrepreneur in the early United States and a well known eccentric.
So he was like, kind of Elon Musk. He
Yeah, I was trying to think of a good comparison and Elon Musk was the best I could come up with. As president omics put it though he constantly yearned to be accepted. Lord Dexter Oh, refused to compromise his strange ways. And in doing so he paved the way for all aspiring American weirdos. So like I said, his family never became successful. So He was born into poverty and if he had any education it ended by the time he was eight years old. He was not illiterate, but his spelling and grammar makes him darn close. The longest he could read was 10 minutes without getting exhausted or bored or whatever. At eight he was sent to work on a farm and then at 14 He went on to be a leatherworking apprentice in Charleston, South Carolina, and then was sent back to Boston to finish his his apprenticeship. He finished at the age of 21. And on his last day, he was given a free man suit which he sold for $8 and 20 cents. And then supposedly he walked to Newburyport from Boston, which was 37 miles. That’s a long walk. Google Map says it would take 12 hours and 21 minutes if he didn’t stop. I
mean, he might not know what he’s gonna do stop and read the newspaper.
However, some reports say that he just went to Charleston, which is right Charlestown which is right there, but regardless, both stories say he carried a bindle one of those hobo sticks with a bandana on the Oh my god, he bought some land and then he married a which one Rich widow.
This is a real American story. He just married rich and then
who was a mother of four owned a home and was nine years older than him. Her name was Elizabeth frothing him. Now she was not wealthy because of her deceased husband. She was wealthy because she was one of the original Avon ladies
wasn’t really Avon probably but she was an MLM she went door to door selling stuff and made a really big amount of money doing that. Did she was it was a pyramid scheme one or was he just like on her own? It doesn’t say anywhere I was able to find but my guess is she wasn’t done her own. My guess is that one of her friends says I can work from home and make $2 billion a year now while working part time and raising my children. But first I need to send everyone on Facebook a million messages about how they can buy my products you helped me out and then guilt them by putting videos of themselves crying because they didn’t meet their goal and they’re just try To help people, we have opinions. I’ve actually met some people who do sell these things successfully and well, but they’re the ones who don’t bug everybody. They’re the ones who like, Hey, this is what I do for a living. If you’re ever interested, send me a message. Now I’m going to talk about other things in my life. Timothy Dexter was not well liked in Charlestown where john Hancock and one of the richest men in the country Thomas Russell, both lived among other wealthy and important people. He was uneducated and not well versed in basic etiquette so he was not considered an equal to them. He thought the way he’d become an equal was to get a public office.
Oh, no, I’m trying some modern parallels and I don’t like this.
So he kept insisting he wanted to have a public office but how much money I have I deserve a public office please give me something to do so I can be important like you. So they finally wore down and they gave him the official title of informer of deer in former of dear Yes, like Bambi
like that. What does he do? Is he like, you’re like, run out read the newspaper to the deer because he wasn’t gonna read that newspaper.
Oh, he just yelled at the deer. You are not at the deer crossing sign, sir. You need to go to where the deer crossing
badge because I would take that office if it came with a badge.
Actually, this is a job that still exists, but it’s not called that they’re called things like wildlife officers. Oh, he’s
basically the game warden.
Yeah, his job was to monitor the deer population and report on it. That’s an important job. Yeah. Except there had not been deer in the area for 20 years by the time they gave him a completely useless title and job just to make him leave them alone. I mean, if they basically sent him snipe hunting, he really did. Yeah,
except there were probably scrapes around there. more likely than deer.
Yeah, well, snipe hunting though. It’s not really I mean, it’s a thing here that used to make fun of people and they usually have you like walk out and like bang sticks together. Kind of like in opening trap where they send these the evil stepmother stipend to anger. Yeah, that’s my planting that just a word off mountain lions or something. So yeah and farmer of dear.
This always bugs me because he’s like, Oh yeah, it’s a real estate plan. It’s real side pet snakes don’t exist. Then I was reading like a wildlife book. And there’s a bird called a snake. It exists and I’ve seen them before. I didn’t know what it was. And when I asked, it’s like, what is that bird? Oh, it’s still waiting bird. It was a snipe. So I’ve been lied to my entire life.
Snipes are real birds, but I think don’t they describe them as mammals when they send these slides? Yeah, so hashtag snipe truth. He also continued his lover work and sold blubber because they were in a whale area. And by the end of the revolution, he had saved up several thousand dollars, which he had spent on continental currency. And I can see from the look on your face but you also never learned about continental current,
not learn about continental currency.
All right, well, according to Wikipedia, which I trust beyond all other sources prior to its existence, the colonies predominantly used foreign coin because it was hard to mentor Money On this side of the pond. Excess continental currency was used during the revolution to fund the war, then it depreciated like whoa and was basically worthless after the revolution ended, because they had over printed it to help fund the war. And British gangs came in and counterfeited it. Yes. Fun fact, the dollar amounts ranged from one sixth of $1 to $80, including the ones of one third dollar and $55.
I feel like this was definitely done by committee. This feels like it was committee.
This feels like trying to convert, you know, cabinets to galleons. Oh yeah, it makes perfect sense.
They depreciate it to as little as one 40th of their amount. So hold on 148 of one third of $1 is math. I can’t do like one 100 and 20th of $1. Well, that’s turned into a lot of debates, as you might imagine, because the government had printed this money. They had forced people to take this money, and now their money was worthless. So they decided to honor the money quote unquote, by buying it back from them for 1% of their initial worth. So if you had an $80 note, if my math is right, you now have an 80 cent note. Oh, Alexander Hamilton, by the way, was the one who argued that the money should not be worthless. Like he was the strongest argument that like Okay, guys, we gave them this mandate, and now we’re making them broke. Come on. 1% was the best he could get. But he got him something. But there’s Thomas Dexter, or Timothy Dexter people don’t call them Thomas, because everybody back then was named Thomas. Yep, Timothy Dexter had made the weird decision to buy the bills from the wealthy who just wanted to get rid of them before this 1% thing happened. So not only had he accumulated his own wealth in this, he had bought it from everybody else. By the time the government agreed to honor that 1% amount he had saved up enough to make him ridiculously wealthy,
even at 1% even
at 1% There is some speculation that he had insider information and that’s why he thought about all by all of these things but remember he was also wildly hated
this has given me like flashbacks to watching The Big Short when they were like, oh yeah by these are you talking about then like, boom. Oh, it was awesome.
But being rich, he was like, Yes, I’m going to be accepted doubt No, that’s not what happened. He was just a weird guy and he refused to accept any responsibility for no one liking him. Hello fast because it there is no possible way that it could be me there the problem. So he and his family moved to Newburyport. Newburyport was a fairly wealthy area, but it was also supposed to not have that caste system that other areas did using that money. He bought a house on State Street that was so large, it still stands today. It’s burned down since then, but they rebuilt it. It is now the Newburyport Public Library.
That’s how big it is. It’s a big that’s a big building.
He also bought a fleet of shipping boats, a staple of cream colored horses and a carriage with his initials on it. Remember, this is post Revolutionary War America, not 16th century France. He was over the top in his house in the way he decorated his house and every way like there are pillars and statues, and a series of very large outhouses.
Oh, well of course, you got to have them like that nice, big outhouses,
and then he started making more questionable business decisions, usually based on suggestions from his neighbors who believe they would ruin him this way. He was not the the belief is that he was not smart enough to know that they were trying to trick him. He was incredibly lucky. He started by building ships and sending them along with 42,000 bed warmers you know when you watch period pieces, those long metal things that they stay up in blankets 42,000 of those to the West Indies, but he didn’t call them bed warmers. He called them ladles, knowing that the West Indies had a huge molasses and to Street peoples are buying them in threes and fours and dozens to scoop their hot molasses because these are big, he marked them up by nearly 80% and sold all 42,000 of them. Then he began to gather up stray cats and I see the worry on Austin’s face the CASPER okay. He sent them to the Caribbean and warehouse owners bought them to control the mice population. Oh, no. According to the nature research, ecology and evolution community, cats are not native to the
Caribbean. No, they are not.
I don’t know if he is responsible for them being there or if this is something somebody’s already done, but there are enough stray cats today that it’s not uncommon for Caribbean hotels to have like resident cat colonies. So this guy might be responsible for introducing a nap nature menace to the Caribbean.
Yeah, I think like domestic cats have caused like more bird extinctions than any thing else. It’s Like there is like this one small island where a single cat cause the extinct extinction of the entire species of flightless bird.
Yes, we have four cats. They live inside. Yep, they are not contributing to the downfall of our bird or in our case, badger population.
We’ve got a badger in our backyard.
I’m obsessed with him. He’s scary. He’s terrifying. Then he bought 340 tons of whale bones, just as stays for corsets became a necessary item because corsets reached the United States from France right at that time, they were also used for a bunch of other things like typewriters, because whale bones were the equivalent of plastic back then they were used for everything. This is pure luck. He did not know this was going to happen. He marked them up by 75% and made a fortune selling elbows. He also this is him being a dick. He was talking to people in the West Indies, and said, I sent a text that all of them must have One Bible in every family or if not, they would have gone to hell. So he sold Bibles to people in the West Indies because he threatened them with damnation otherwise and made $47,000
That’s amazing. I mean, I kind of hate this guy, but at the same time, I love him. This is the most American asshole I’ve ever heard of.
So there’s a British idiom that is selling coals to Newcastle it basically means you’re engaging in a pointless action. Newcastle is a cold rich area that has made its money through that industry. So selling cold to them is a damn foolish accent. Think of it like trying to go to Google headquarters and sell them electronics. That is what this is.
My family has a equal as a idiom that is similar but awful it is. He could sell ice to an Eskimo
your family doesn’t have accents. They
don’t but I feel like me to say that I have to say it with the accent.
Well, as we’ve talked about, Dexter was not well liked. He was known to be educated on education. And not very bright. So someone told him that he should try to sell coal to Newcastle and he did. What he was not aware of this idiom or why it would be a bad idea to sell coal to Newcastle, so he loaded up some chips and send a bunch of coal to Newcastle. When the ships arrived, the Newcastle coal miners began to strike. Not because they had arrived just by coincidence. He literally sold coal to Newcastle and made a shit ton of money doing so. Just like he sold those electronics to the Google headquarters and ice to those Eskimos.
It couldn’t happen to a worse guy. Thanks. I hate this.
In spite of all of this, he was shockingly still not respected. He was referred to as quote a vain uneducated week course drunken coming man low in his tastes and habits, constantly striving for Foolish display and attention. Even his wife didn’t like him. This is this is Seinfeld.
We could okay HBO I know you listen to us I know you’re struggling to find some your place Game of Thrones do this guy but in like Seinfeld style or like, Curb Your Enthusiasm. I feel like it would work.
This guy’s already been a TV show character named Ross Geller. Oh, yeah,
I will go into detail about that in a little bit. Actually, it was it was he sealed dinosaurs.
I mean, he had whale bones, whale bones. His wife, like I said, didn’t like him and would go off on him saying that, you know, eventually you’re going to fail and we’re going to be ruined. So he started to tell her she was a ghost and refused to speak of her like she was alive.
Unknown Speaker 22:40
treat her like she was already dead.
I mean, I do that to you. Sometimes when you’re being really annoying. I can still hear her now.
Surprisingly, she moved out. Oh, and then his son moved in his son was a lot like him, and ultimately their big expensive house was turned into the equivalent of a Awful. And the house was destroyed, including curtains that were previously owned by the queen of France. They were covered with stains. No. Yeah. Which apparently were. I think the words they use were unseemly and didn’t smell so great.
Okay. It’s like maybe maybe they just been spitting their tobacco juice on the curtains.
In a brothel. Maybe it was tobaccos, further proving his sanity. He sold the house and Bob even bigger one in Chester, New Hampshire this time and began to insist that people call him Lord Dexter, this isn’t America. We don’t have lords. He insisted he was called Lord Dexter. He was beaten to hell by a lawyer likely after pursuing that lawyer his wife, so he sold the home and bottom even bigger one. On that grounds. He built an outdoor museum with about 40 images of a random historic assortment of historical figures including kings Adam and Eve and of course himself They were commissioned from these really well known and prominent European artists. But then he painted them with these really bright and garish colors and had inscriptions painted underneath them, which he had changed regularly to meet his own vision of what should have happened in history. He was actively revising history, and everybody knew it. On the one of himself though, he had written. I am the first in the east, the first in the West and the greatest philosopher in the Western world. This guy sounds like someone we know from modern politics.
He certainly does. And I’ve been biting my tongue so hard.
His statue was huge, huge,
huge. Tell me about the hands on the statue.
Well, it doesn’t say anything about the hands. But we do know that they cost around $2,000 each, which was roughly twice the amount he had paid for everything else he owned. And then since it was a museum, people would come by the look and when young women would come by, he would sexually assault them huge, huge as I mentioned, he would have this repaint the inscriptions and one time a painter came over to work on the Thomas Jefferson one. And he wrote author of the Declaration of Independence underneath it, which Jefferson was, Dexter insisted that he had written the Constitution, which Jefferson had a hand in but did not single handedly, right. The artist kept insisting No, he wrote the Declaration, not the Constitution.
So Dexter shot Oh, was this on Fifth Avenue by chance.
He missed, okay. And then just looked at the guy and said, constitution very calmly. The painter wrote constitution.
I’ll say there’s one big difference I’ve noticed between a current historical figure and this guy, this guy was successful businessman for a while True, true. I mean, sure, his brothel didn’t do so well. But at least he didn’t have five casinos fail in Atlantic City. That’d be crazy.
And I have no evidence that he ever tried to sell steaks he might have maybe those whale bones mistakes at first he’s all blubber. I mean, people eat well, I think. Yeah, Dexter actually did start to make friends at this time. One of the them was named john P. I don’t know what he stood for who had been denied a teaching post, but he was from a wealthy family. So he opened his own school where, you know, Cliff klavan from Cheers. Yes, the guy who just the postal worker who always had fact that he would tell people that were invariably wrong. That’s what he taught at the school, he would go on rambling, contradictory stories. And then he also began to teach Timothy Dexter all about science. So Timothy Dexter became an educated man at last. He also became friends with a woman named Madame Hooper, who was a widow who’d become a fortune teller and gave him astrological advice to help guide his life. I mean, honestly, at this point, it’s might be the best advice he’s gotten because she’s not actively sabotaging him. I mean, he gave her tea and payment for this. So she was getting something out of it. Yeah. And then he decided, you know what, these nobleman over in Europe, they hire poet laureates to write things for them. So he hired a poet laureate, who was 20 year old fish seller he had met a dude who was just selling fish out of a wagon. He read that the Italians gave their poets crowds of mistletoe. So he made this man a crown out of parsley.
And he made the garnish his wages
and he made the man right Polo. It’s about Dexter and how great he was and nothing else. This poor guy, I hope he got paid well enough to leave the fish business. It will if not, he
always had a very nice, you always could dress this fish very well. So nice parsley on top.
Apparently parsley was the only thing he had on hand. And then an 1802 our beloved Dexter became an author. He wrote a book called a pickle for the knowing ones. You might have it at the library. I see the face though.
I’m trying to parse out this title and I can’t it’s like a pickle for the annoying ones.
It was 24 pages long and contained zero punctuation. Okay, so I
This document usually it’s in the comments section on a YouTube video.
It became ridiculously popular. He was giving it away for free and I have a feeling it was like when my cousin got a Scientology pamphlet at the at the Plaza lighting ceremony. Chapter nine. Don’t do anything illegal. We really enjoyed it. Thanks, Scientologists. It was it was entertaining, so it had eight reprinting. But after the first one, he was told that the punctuation thing was a problem. So at the second printing, he wrote in 13 lines about punctuation, he was like, this is a period or maybe they called it a full stop back then this is what this is for it. This is a comma. This is what this is for. Put them in wherever you think they belong in this book.
it was basically a grammar test from help.
So what you’re saying is you want me to get you this book.
It’s available for free online,
and you want to punctuate it, you know, I kind of do your broken.
I didn’t want to torture myself, so I didn’t actually read it. I found a link it but I did find a summary by a man named Irving Wallace who was a contemporary of his. It was, quote, an egotistical, opinionated course defense of Dexter by Dexter against all enemies who were anti Dexter. It was Dexter’s Twitter account.
Oh my god.
Now we’re getting to his funeral. His funeral was quite the event. He died on October 26 1806, left money for Newbury parts poor and his statues were sold these $2,000 statues between 50 cents and $5 apiece. The ones that didn’t sell were burned. He also seemed to have a bit of a crisis of conscience. Once he knew he was dying he rewrote as well so that his wife and his children all got some money and nobody was left with nothing. But that’s not when the funeral happened. The funeral happened before he died. What? So, you know, how we talked about Ross Geller earlier?
I think Ross Geller was based on this guy like Rob He was lucky not good. Like Russ, he considered women to be nothing more than sex objects. And like Ross he hosted his own funeral hiding another room waiting to see how people reacted.
In that episode, I remember that Oh, God. Somehow I blocked that one out because it’s not even the top 10 of the scummy things Ross did
he had a tomb created, which was actually a huge room that was nicely decorated and well ventilated in the basement of a summer home, and a beautifully made coffin, which he actually liked so much he slept and regularly, guests came to the funeral, and he watched to see who was having the appropriate emotional reactions. His wife was laughing and smiling during it. So he’s heard the panic. There’s some evidence that she might have known this was fake some, maybe not. So he came to her in the kitchen while he’s supposed to be dead and in the funeral and began to beat the shit out of her for not grieving enough. Well, the guests come into the kitchen hearing this see him hitting her with Cain with a big smile across his face. And then he went and partied with them. Like they hadn’t just attended his funeral. That was the weird historical facts that led me to him. But so to this day, there is debate over if he was a genius, or just a lucky idiot.
It’s, I don’t know,
Unknown Speaker 31:17
this is he is just asshole, Forrest Gump.
Yeah, yeah, he had, if you read any of his quotes, which I didn’t really emphasize, he couldn’t spell at all. He didn’t care about punctuation. He didn’t know when people were making fun of them. But he looked out over and over and over and became one of the richest men in America and one of our first major entrepreneurs. pure luck. Yeah,
that’s just this is huge, right? You told me that there’s like all this, like contemporary historical information about this guy that this happened. I wouldn’t believe it. Like if I had heard about this, it’s like, oh, yeah, this is like a john Henry or like, a, like some folk hero thing. That natural person. Actually john Henry was real person. Paul Bunyan. Yeah, he was a Paul Bunyan.
Yeah, so this was a 100% real person who did all of these things and was widely complained about by famous people of the time. So we still have writings from them complaining about this guy. We know it was real. We know he faked his own funeral. We know he had the statues erected in honor of himself. And then in honor of other figures with fake information, we know that he sold cold to Newcastle and made his money that way. So like I said, He is the personification of the American dream, a rags to riches story, except in his case, he didn’t really have to try hard at all. No, he just got lucky.
This is I cannot follow this up.
Well, then I got some questions for you about whether or not these things would be on a test. All right, we’ll Timothy Dexter be on a test.
in a world where Timothy Dexter is on a test will the fact that his riches largely came from bad advice intended to ruin him be on it?
You know, I’ll say yes. Because that makes it funny.
Will the fact that he ruined the queen of Francis curtains in that special way beyond the test?
Depends on the grade, but probably No,
I don’t think even in high school they would go
on even in college. No, that’s a
grad school level question. When you learn about brothels stains, you usually have to be going for a master’s degree.
That’s your um, my bachelor’s degree was entirely in brothels stains.
Now if we want to take his side for a moment and say he was being bullied. Well, the fact that his bullies were prominent early American figures be on the test.
They wouldn’t be framed as bullies. They’d be framed as popular American figures who are dealing with this ridiculous jackass.
And that is the story of Timothy Dexter.
That was a journey I did not go on
to something a little light hearted and even though he was a sexually assaulting wife beating piece of shit for the most part, it was actually kind of light hearted. Yeah. So what is your lighthearted story for me today? Well
Mine. It’s kind of light hearted, but it’s mostly weird. And it’s about ancient Egypt.
Unknown Speaker 34:07
Ooh, kind of
off top of your head. When you think about ancient Egypt, what do you think about?
Um, I think about those paintings that tell the stories. I can’t remember their color glyphic hieroglyphics I was gonna say cryptograms I know that’s not right. I think about mummies. I think about the fact that they mummified their cats and often made their servants basically have a slow death in the tombs. And I think about Cleopatra, which I think was like, kind of only weirdly tangentially related to any of it and obviously King Tut because he was the boy King, which is why you learned about him in school.
Yeah, that’s amazing, because all we all know about King Tut. But King Tut was not a remarkable Pharaoh in any way, shape, or form.
But what was he 14?
He was 18 or 19. They think when he died or when he when he died, okay, King Tut or King It was Pharaoh at the end of the 18th dynasty as a part of the quote unquote, new kingdom and he died around 1325 bc or DC, if you will,
let’s stick with bc bc
before before Common Era. Yep. And he was a little bit on the inbred side. I mean, who wasn’t back then his father was a heretic who was basically trying to destroy the old Egyptian religion and the old Colton customs and put up his own new things. Then when he died. kingside is mostly known for reinstating these new things and tearing apart everything his father did. He had a deformed foot. He walked with a cane. Uh huh. He had a cleft palate, scoliosis, several strains of malaria.
Yeah. And he was married to his half sister.
Like I knew he had some physical deformities. We never learned that in school. That’s just one of those things that popped up later on. I didn’t know about the malaria. I’m curious to know how they figured that out.
Oh, they when they ran some tests on him they found like signs that he had malaria. Okay, which cuz you know those mummies were so well preserved, they can still find this stuff to this day. And they’re not sure how he died. But he did die without near and that was the end of his particular like, family line. And that was King Tut. That was all he did
end up podcast. That is it.
But why is we know so much about tinking today, and we learned about King Tut, when we don’t learn anything about Ramses the second, who is like the big deal Pharaoh actually did shit or like any of the others are these thousands of years of Egyptian dynasties. Like
I think I learned a little about the other ones, but that’s because that was one of the topics that was covered repeatedly when I moved like the Civil War I covered repeatedly and then Egypt got covered repeatedly.
Yeah. So I mean, Egypt. There’s a lot of Egyptian history like the Sphinx was made sometime they think in the fourth dynasty about 6000 years ago. And we know a lot about these things because I think Egyptian pharaoh decided to unearth the thing And like record some stuff about it a few thousand years ago and they’ve had to re unearthed the Sphinx a few times because it keeps getting buried in sand. So, Egypt’s old and we only learned about King Tut who didn’t really do anything. Why do we learn about King Tut? The answer about why we learned so much about King Tut and what everyone’s fascinated King Tut, is really weird. It has to do with the fact that we have been robbing Egyptian graves for thousands of years, right? And that we used to snort money best. And we thought mummies were medicine and we just use them for everything. It’s like basically everyone who conquered Egypt robbed a bunch of these Pharaoh’s Tomb. And we even like found like signs of treasure hunters from thousands of years ago trying to tunnel into and around the Sphinx looking for hidden chambers.
Are there booby traps, like home alone? No, that’s a
bummer because movies told me there were if there were they have long since disintegrated or we haven’t found them again. There’s 6000 years of Egyptian history. We might not have just found any movie traps.
What if home alone is really big. on people trying to break into a mummy’s tomb,
that would have been amazing. So Macaulay Culkin, we accept the fact that he is one of the undead. He’s in Chicago. He probably escaped from natural history museum.
Very true. Yeah, Holly Culkin is the reincarnation of King Tut, done.
Oh my God, He is the boy king. He had all those traps. And obviously the two robbers are Osiris and Horus. Makes sense. Makes perfect sense. So we were using mummys as medicine going all the way back to ancient Roman times in which can you guess who that about talk about?
Is that our good friend Pliny the Elder a good friend Pliny the Elder, I plenty he
thought mummies were had many medical purposes. And their money bitumen had lots of healing powers or money bitumen bitumen, like basically mummy tar was a medicine that would help cure lots of things.
What is it? How do you spell that because I was hearing bitchy men be it You
Unknown Speaker 38:56
okay? It’s like, like mine better and of course,
has been going on for thousands of years. But it exploded when Napoleon conquered Egypt, and a period of time known as Egypt, Romania started, it was Egyptian architecture and artifacts had a big impact on American culture. the Washington Monument, also known as America’s penis, was in fact, based on these ancient Egyptian like styluses styles. Oh my gosh, I can’t read my own handwriting.
I thought it was a Roman thing.
No, it’s Egypt, because they got it from the Egyptians.
Yeah, the Romans were known for stealing stuff from other cultures, and it
also impacted art impacted fashion. And people would like to have these different artifacts in their homes as conversation pieces, including mummies and parts of mummies,
like the lady at hoarders who had the dead rat that she wanted to keep as a conversation piece.
Yeah, it’s exactly like that. Oh, yeah. Mummy, unwrapping parties became a really popular thing. These were like publicized newspapers. would write about money unwrapping parties. They would have them in like surgical suites so they’d have like rows of people looking down as they unwrap these mummies, because that was interesting to see these unwrap these ancient mummies, but they also find like weird stuff in them, like little trinkets and baubles and just talismans wrapped in with these mummies. So it’s kind of like when you get those when you bought those cap candles that have the jewelry in them. So as the candle melted, you get jewelry,
the fragrant jewel,
yes, there was a lot like that. It’s like what’s going to be in this mummy? It was the YouTube unboxing videos of the 18th century.
Yeah, PSA don’t take sleeping pills, and also have access to a computer or phone. Otherwise, you’ll end up with fragrant jewels.
And if you do end up with fragrant jewels, don’t take sleeping pills and then decide, you know what, I want to see what this ring is right now. And start tearing apart a melt a melting red candle in the bathroom and leave red flags everywhere. So the bathroom Like a murder scene.
You know, that is one of your favorite things to make fun of me for those. So you’re welcome. It’s Oh, man.
It’s like my one victory in marriage has been this and I’m going to open up. I can’t forget it. It’s the only time again, we shall see you will use movies as medicine, they would actually like grind them up and snort them. There’s even a big problem with people selling counterfeit mummies to apothecaries, they would just basically take prisoners and wrap them up or like they brought bodies wrap them up in rags, let them dry out, then sell them as official as like, you know, authentic mummys
people still do that kind of stuff today. Yeah, with like, the different animals that you’re so stable to dry out and grind up and people have been poisoned that way.
Yeah, this is like that, but it was human remains.
I mean, that’s fine. That’s fine.
mummies were also used as a paint pigment. It was called the mummy Brown. And it was used in a lot of like, it was the expensive paint back then. Yeah, yeah. They were also Use this paper
like the actual monies were used to paper
the there, they take their linen and use them as paper and things at the time would sell themselves as being printed on real money paper, which they weren’t. But hilariously, one of the big things that I learned about which was actually false about my means is that the mummies were actually burned as like railroad fuel. They weren’t. That was a joke told by Mark Twain. People took seriously.
I feel like that’s happened several times of things Mark Twain said, Yeah,
so ever next episode is Oh, yeah, they burned mummys is wrong with feels like no, Mark Twain lied to you because he thought it was funny. And I guarantee you, Mark Twain’s ghost
Unknown Speaker 42:38
probably still thinks this is hilarious. probably thinks it’s hilarious. So.
So the key here, guys, is to remember that if you’re very smart, never make a joke because people will believe you. Yeah. Thank goodness you and I don’t have to worry about that.
Nope. Yeah. Because we want people not to use anything on this podcast as truth.
And because we openly admit we’re not Smart.
No, you’re the smart one. That’s scary was real scary. They’re also used as fertilizer, an English company. But 180,000 mummified cats. Oh, that’s roughly 19 tons of modified cat and ground them up and use them as fertilizer in the English countryside.
That’s how you get ghost cats.
They found one of these cat skulls like later in a field. It’s currently in the British natural history museum. After about 100 years of mummies and everything being looted out of Egypt as a very lucrative business. There wasn’t a lot left, they thought they’d found every Egyptian mystery that was to be found in the 18th century. So in 1922, when a British archaeologist Howard Carter discovered King Tut’s tomb, it was shocking and amazing, and it was well documented, and we were able to see all these treasures and everything.
And let me guess by this time, we were smart enough to not mess with anything or ruin any part of it.
What we we ruined large parts of it. Uh huh. But we didn’t ruin as much as like people who were just trying to make a quick buck off of selling stuff. And they did use some, like they did record a lot of things with this and we have an idea about where things were how things are situated more so than we had in the past.
We are still really good at ruining ancient artifacts, but now we do it for the Insta
fun thing they bought an archaeologist says actually they found some tombs, and they aren’t opening them yet because they want to have better technology and better tools. And they don’t want to ruin it for future archaeologists. So they are actually saving some of these like we would say have like your butter fingers be the last candy you eat all your Halloween candy.
I love butter fingers are the best. That’s like the one commercial that works really well. And may I see those commercials and like I really want to butter finger right now.
Is that why you like throw a lobster at me when I tried to steal your butter finger?
You better not lay a finger on my butter finger.
That to me recently on earth that they made this big show of opening it was filled with red liquid was that Egyptian?
That was Egyptian. That was super gross. Supergrass and also we all got cursed. Look what’s happened since we did that. I’m glad you mentioned curses, because So also, this is a fun fact about content. You’re talking about how you so obscure. That’s the reason his tomb was untouched. Nobody outside of like a very small set of academics knew that King Tut even existed. He’d been mostly wiped out of history over time, and had just been completely obscure. That’s why no one had really robbed from this tomb yet is because no one thought to look for King Tut.
That the academics are smart enough to not tell people because they were tired of these tombs getting robbed like
even then he was like a sub footnote in academia. So he was just as obscure as you can get. And that’s the reason he was save all this time of this quote, quote, when they first looked in there, he said, you can see the details of the room emerge slowly from the mist, strange animals, statues and gold everywhere the glint of gold
is that when the rock comes out as one of the ancient mummies who’s going to kill you,
this one Brendan Fraser shows up. We haven’t gotten the rock yet. The second one, okay. Oh, by the way, that CGI Scorpion rock that was awful. Brendan Fraser, I want you to redo the money to both some better CGI, and just maybe put the rock and some like makeup.
I will say that the mummy ride at Universal Studios is the best ride outside of the Harry Potter area.
It was it starts off as like this cheesy cheesy thing. Then it turns into a roller coaster and everything’s on fire. It’s great. Right? I recommend it.
I do not recommend the Jurassic park ride. You’re the
only person on that right who got wet.
Oh, no, me and the complaining kid sitting in front of us. This was awesome. There was this pair of grandparents and their grandkids there and the grand son wanted no part of any of this. Everything was I don’t like this. Why did you become rent rent rent, and then the water happened? I got soaked and I hate being wet. But this kid also got soaked and my grandmother just got the biggest smile on her face. I was so happy For her and the kid just sold but he shut up. Be nice to your grandparents man if they’re paying for you to go to Universal beat nice,
almost like he was cursed.
But this was Jurassic Park. Is this the curse of Jeff Goldblum?
Yeah, Jeff Goldblum the mummy. Same thing.
away. venge friends away. So let’s start talking about this curse. Amongst the curse victims of this curse on King Tut’s tomb. There was a pet Canary that was killed and eaten by a cobra.
We’ve talked about canaries here before and how they never had good luck in history. No,
this was in which you know, Cobras were a sign of the Egyptian royalty. So this is a sign as a canary when the archaeologists killed me then Lord Carnarvon, who was the guy who is funding this entire expedition died of blood poisoning after a mosquito bite got infected. Oh, and allegedly even though there’s an officer the time it was in the same spot as a mark on King Tut’s cheek, that seems real, that seems very real. There was a sir Bruce Ingram, his house burned down twice because Carter gave him a mummy’s hand with a scare a bracelet that had on this curse be he who moves my body. To Him shall come fire, water and pestilence. Then there was George Gould, who was an American and it just came to visit the tomb. He fell ill shortly after visiting and died of pneumonia. A few months later, there was Aubrey Herbert. He was the brother of Lord Carnarvon, who died of complications after dental surgery five months after his brother died from being around King Tut’s tomb. Then there was Hugh Evelyn light, so he was one of the guys excavating the tomb. After several of the other excavators had died. He hung himself and allegedly wrote, I have succumbed to a curse, which forces me to disappear in his own blood.
So he ripped himself open wrote this in his blood, then hanged himself. Yeah, that’s over Hillman. Yeah,
super overkill. Then there was Aaron Ember Another archaeologist whose house burned down and he went back in to save his manuscript and died. The manuscript was entitled The Egyptian Book of the Dead. Then there was Richard Bethel Lord carbon secretary who was also present when they opened the tomb. He was murdered mysteriously at a gentleman’s club.
The gentleman’s club mean the same thing then is it
was it was it wasn’t a let’s throw $1 bills in a sad single mom. It was a Let’s sit around and smoke cigars and read the newspaper.
That sounds like way more fun,
so much more fun. Even the cigar parts. He also had a house fire. And then there is sir Archibald Butler read, who wasn’t even there. He just later x rayed King Tut’s body when it was up to the museum, and he died three days later. Wow. All of these mysterious deaths around King Tut’s tomb, but there were about 58 people present and 12 years later, only eight people who’ve been present at this opening had died. It was probably not a real curse.
That’s a Pretty high percentage though that is the time. I mean, it’s a high percentage of them to have mysterious death most eight people had died.
Out of those people, how
many did you just list like sex
about 10 people I listed, but only other people present at the tomb only like eight of them died. I’m going to curse, I will say probably led to this was the death being like noteworthy and noted was because the concept of the mummy’s curse had been a big deal in pop culture for 100 years. Even Louisa May Alcott wrote a book called last in a pyramid, colon, or comma the mummy’s curse,
is that the sequel or the prequel to Little Women prequel?
This is how I got sick.
Now, Meg, I’m actually I’ve never read it either. The only reason I know about it, it goes back to that episode of friends. Yeah, Beth. Yeah, you want to put the book in the freezer.
Yeah, that’s why Beth got sick. It was the mummy’s curse, because you’ve been lost in a pyramid. Make sense? And of course, this was like a huge news story at the time. Any of these deaths which could be attributed to a curse, which is a big part of pop culture anyway sold a lot of newspapers. So if anyone who is even remotely related to King Tut died, it became a front page news story across the globe. Also, the original Egyptian curses were mostly along the lines of May you beaten by crocodiles or attacked by scorpions or lions or snakes, or other forms of the gods coming down to punish you.
So basically, may you live in Florida?
Yeah. And it was mostly just used to scare off grave grave robbers,
we shouldn’t be robbing graves. And also most of Europe would be dead because everybody was desecrating mummies. So there probably wasn’t a curse. Okay,
though, where we desecrated before after the play again,
Unknown Speaker 51:45
both. There we go.
Whoa, the plague was just from us messing with mummies. Yeah, the One theory is about this, that there was some killer mold. Be in this ancient tomb. There is not really any evidence to support that and also a epidemic. Just as stated, The tomb was probably more sanitary than the surrounding area. And this was like, you know, a place full of malaria diseases color, not really great sanitation to begin with.
That was basically everywhere back then
everywhere back then, even in the 1920s. It’s like you’re in a remote area. It’s gonna be pretty gross.
And he’s about to find a way to connect to this to the Jazz Age.
All of this King Tut stuff was the 1920s
Austin really hates the chat.
This one was completely by accident. I wasn’t making for the Jazz Age, I was making fun of curses. I almost did the straw hat riots, which was directly make for the Jazz Age. But I said no, no, I’ve been to mean to the Jazz Age. And then I got drugged back in completely by mistake.
Is this all because
you really hate The Great Gatsby. It’s such a stupid book. Nothing happens. There’s just some bad driving and a weird silence and glasses on it. I liked it. So that was King Tut. And he didn’t do much but he has become really popular just because he did so little no one knew he was there to rob is great
and he cursed everybody convince me otherwise even Louisa May Alcott thought
so she wrote fame she wrote Little Women she can’t be wrong so are you ready for some questions? How
little are these women are they like scary little
so some questions before we go on to open our King Tut’s advent calendars we’re going to get probably don’t have persons okay let’s go alright so we’ll mummy unwrapping parties be on the test
by high school. Yes.
Well, the fact that King Tut’s tomb was so obscure that grave robbers didn’t even know it was there did Rob from be on the test?
I don’t think so. Because we like to be like, Look, there was a king that was your age. You can do great things like have scoliosis and malaria
and marry your half sister.
Hey, if King Tut can do it, you can do it.
Will the fact that this curse isn’t real no matter what Brendan Fraser says, be on the test.
Nobody That’s messing with people’s religious beliefs, including my own.
And finally, this time, after all of these times will plenty of the older make it onto the test.
No, not yet. Plenty we’re rooting for you.
someday. Someday we’ll all learn about 20 and his wisdoms.
That’s what we’re here for.
This is slowly turning into a
hashtag justice for justice for plenty. Although I have plenty blue car syndrome now because ever since you talked about him, he is popping up everywhere. He’s been on two episodes of laurel it recently you cannot
read anything that relates remotely to Roman history. Without Pliny the Elder showing up.
It doesn’t even have to relate to it. His name just keeps popping up. I had a completely unrelated, recommended tweet come across to me and it was from Pliny the Elder, not the one that is ship when he says which we really dig. It was just another one that’s Pliny the Elder completely unrelated to anything related to Pliny the Elder blue cards under man.
This is the real curse that we have unleashed upon America
Unknown Speaker 55:01
the curse of plenty, the curse of plenty.
Welcome America. So you ready to open some things?
I am. All right. So like I thought oh pops your Lego. I’ll start with Funko Can I know I’m more excited than you are? Yeah, Austin doesn’t like Funko Pops because he likes to be wrong. Their faces bore me. Your face bores me. That’s
Unknown Speaker 55:20
It’s hurtful that you don’t like my Fonkoze. Alright, so I’m going to open first. All right, so December 1, we have an itty bitty Harry on so tiny.
See the baby here using regular size theory.
It’s just a little hairy and it looks like he’s wearing his dress ropes on the open list. Yeah, he’s wearing this dress robe. fancy little hairy. Oh,
he’s very fancy. All right. What do you got from your legs? Also, Harry. I got little tiny Harry with his Christmas jumper on Oh, that’s and he’s screaming. Torn on. Yes, his head is missing. His head has been torn from his body.
Any pain I think is supposed to be smiling because he got you know his first ever Christmas. Oh
no, it’s with the Lego Harry Potter ones there’s one face which is serious and the other face in which they’re terrified on every one of them. Except for her my me because she’s never scared Harry Potter.
Alright, so while you’re putting him together what is something you learned about Timothy Dexter today
that he existed and also he is the American dream and also he is the worst.
Alright, so my telling you stay aligned about mummys or anything you learned today? Okay, I learned that the reason we have so much information about King Tut is because we found him so much later not because of anything important. He did. Like I knew he wasn’t exceptionally important, but I figured we just talked about him because he was a kid. And isn’t that fine.
He is one of the most intact archaeological finds of ancient Egypt in modern history,
but not as intact as that puppy. They just found
the one frozen in the ice.
Yeah. Oh, it looks like you could just you know, put the paddles on it and bring it back.
From your podcast eventually on Iceman, which is like this ancient man they found buried and ice, who was hikers found them they thought he was a fairly recent death and there was a big rescue and operation to get them out of there. And it took them to get him down to the hospital before they realized oh shit, this guy’s been dead for thousands of years.
Global warming is a scourge that we need to do something about but the stuff that’s been on earth because of it is really fascinating. Yeah, also we learned this week that normal bones can be are normal Tuscany’s to want to fight off would be terrorists and you thought our walls were worthless
I’ve been slowly coming around a normal but now I’m on board with them
because this is the second thing I want to make fun of you about is that you didn’t think knowledge narwhals were real? Yeah, they were like unicorns.
Yes, I did not know until I was in my late 20s that narwhals for real but in fairness, I’d only heard about them a couple of years before and they were from that narwhal YouTube video in which case they are just the unicorns of the sea. This is weird to me because I wanted to be a marine biologist growing up like every kid did. I had and I actually thought Tried to learn about this stuff but never once heard about them. Oh, but yeah man, Londoners you don’t fuck with Londoners like they will run out of their restaurants with normal tasks and people will show up carrying fire extinguishers and they will take you down good job Linda nurse Good job London. We’re actually I know the guy with the normal tescos and immigrant Yeah, I don’t know about the guy with the extinguisher.
I’m glad this was pre Brexit because you know those democrats are still happening but
you know, the whole thing is bananas. Well not Jonah. Now let’s plug our socials. We are on Twitter at the test pod. We are on Facebook on the test pod. And we have a website now and we actually are slowly putting up the transcripts of our episodes. They are a I transcripts that I kind of loosely go over but they take hours guys so and we don’t have money to fund hiring somebody. Yep. If you want us to really have good professional ones just start sending us money but our website is http://www.on the test pod.com
so we are fully integrated online.
Well, we’re not on Instagram yet, but I also don’t know what we
post pictures of. Of course you can always find us on email@example.com slash Will This Be On the Test? Will This Be On the Test?
We post it midnight on that night between Monday and Tuesday. I don’t know if you want to call it Monday night or Tuesday morning. I call it I’ll call it
I’ll call it Monday night because I’m still awake and it will not count as that next day
until epsilon I’m calling it Monday morning because I’ve been asleep for hours
jerk. Haha. Oh, Austin’s birthday is a week from today.
Yeah, so I guess my next podcast will be doing stuff with it on my birthday.
Yeah, because even on his birthday, I know it’s a week from tomorrow. It’s on Mondays.
Yes. week from
Yeah. So I make him work on his birthday. I’m a really mean person.
She’s like, Austin, if you finished researching yet, but you’ll start hitting me
Actually, he’s always done before I
accept lacquer except for this time.
Yeah, that’s true. But I knew pretty early on who I wanted to do for this one. Yeah,
I’ve been. I’ve been writing the struggle bus.
Alright, well, we’ve been rambling on long enough. So we will let you go. Hello. Have a great week and we will see you next Monday, Tuesday and
Transcribed by https://otter.ai